The autopsy results of famed pitchman Billy Mays were released to the public today, and I do believe it is all right to go back to making fun of him. You see, according to this article from the Chicago Sun-Times Mays’ heart gave out after taking cocaine within the days leading up to his death.
Cocaine is, according to the Dave Chapelle skit, “a hell of a drug.” Cool, skinny people do it. Then they get blown in elevators by Nico (well, Jim Morrison did in the movie The Doors). Coke has fueled generations of pop culture, from Burroughs to Scorsese to, um, Lohan. COKE IS AWESOME! But now, with these autopsy results made public, coke’s ruined. There’s no more mystique. If dumpy, bearded quasi-celebrities can snort cocaine, how am I supposed to respect supermodels, the end all, be all of high culture?
Coke is only for the upper crust, not us plebs in the lowly masses. We’re supposed to strive to be good enough to have coke served to us on silver platters. But thanks to the man behind such “wonderful” products like OxiClean and Mighty Putty it is no longer special. You ruined my dreams, Billy Mays. Fuck you.